Funny Sentences

Make sure you spend a little time every single day doing something enjoyable. You deserve a good laugh, or at least a smile. Here are some funny sentences you can share with your friends and family. You can even use them as Instagram or Facebook captions!

The Best Funny Sentences On The Internet

Here are some of the funniest jokes and phrases on the internet! Make sure to show them to your parents, your children, and your friends:

  1. I'm at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.
  2. Do you want to keep a true perspective of your own importance? Get a dog that will worship you and a cat that will scorn you.
  3. Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
  4. The road to success is always under construction.
  5. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
  6. Where there is a "will," there are 500 relatives.
  7. I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
  8. Death is hereditary.
  9. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
  10. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
  11. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
  12. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
  13. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
  14. I stopped fighting my inner demons, we're on the same side now.
  15. Well-behaved women rarely make history.
  16. Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
  17. USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
  18. Constipated people don't give a crap.
  19. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?
  20. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Funny Sentences That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

A fun phrase can make your day. Here are a fun to throw into conversations if you want to surprise your loved ones:

  1. Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
  2. Practice doesn't make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.
  3. Those who throw dirt only lose ground.
  4. You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
  5. Error. No keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
  6. You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because I just farted!
  7. Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door!
  8. Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.
  9. Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
  10. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.
  11. Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bare arms!
  12. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
  13. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
  14. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  15. This sentence is a lie.
  16. Change is good, but dollars are better.
  17. How is it that "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
  18. 1492: Native Americans discover Columbus lost at sea.
  19. I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game  of charades.
  20. If your friend  asks for some of your chips, you can reply: There's no 'we' in chips.

Funny Sentences To Share With Family And Friends

The funny sayings below are going to make you laugh out loud. Make sure to repeat them around school or the office.

  1. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs harder.
  2. Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
  3. I got a gun for my wife—best trade I've ever made.
  4. There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't.
  5. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade, find the person that life handed vodka to, and have a party.
  6. If Barbie is so popular then why do we buy her friends and boyfriends?
  7. God created the world, everything else is made in China.
  8. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.
  9. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
  10. There's no 'I' in team, but there is in 'win.'
  11. Those who criticize our generation seem to forget who raised it!
  12. A man who goes to bed with an itchy butt, wakes up with a stinky finger!
  13. Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!
  14. The only good thing about going bra-less at my age is that it pulls the wrinkles right out of my face.
  15. How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree, and then realize it was your air-freshener.
  16. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  17. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
  18. Beauty is a light switch away.
  19. The evening news is where they start by saying "good evening," and proceed by telling you why it's not.
  20. I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Hilarious Funny Sentences That Will Make Your Day

The sayings below are totally cool — and hilarious. Use them the next time you're talking to someone with a good sense of humor:

  1. He's so optimistic he'd buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.
  2. If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?
  3. I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
  4. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
  5. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
  6. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  7. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  8. I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
  9. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
  10. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  11. We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
  12. It is a damned poor mind indeed that can't think of at least two ways of spelling any word.
  13. In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.
  14. Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
  15. Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people.
  16. I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
  17. Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age don't matter.
  18. A word to the wise ain't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice.
  19. I am in touch with my motivation. I saw it going by this morning, waving at me and winking.
  20. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

More Funny Sentences To Enjoy

You don't have to search far for some funny sayings. There has to be at least one joke below to make you laugh:

  1. The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse
  2. Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
  3. Ham and eggs—a day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.
  4. I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
  5. When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
  6. I love airports because the rules of society don't apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.
  7. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  8. Half of the people in the world are below average.
  9. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
  10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  11. It is not my fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!
  12. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "Y" becomes silent.
  13. He who laughs last, didn't get it.
  14. I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
  15. We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police.
  16. I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
  17. Cheese is milk's leap toward immortality.
  18. There is one word that describes people that don't like me: Irrelevant.
  19. You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax. Tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
  20. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Funny Quotes And Sayings From Celebrities

The funny sayings below are brought to you by your favorite celebrities, from Mark Twain to Robin Williams. There's no one else funnier!

  1. "I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius, and we're skeptical." — Arthur C. Clarke
  2. "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." —Steve Martin
  3. "My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine." — Caroline Rhea
  4. "Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" —Robin Williams
  5. "The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want. Drink what you don't like. And do what you'd rather not." —Mark Twain
  6. "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them." —Phyllis Diller
  7. "Never follow anyone else's path. Unless you're in the woods, and you're lost, and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path." —Ellen DeGeneres
  8. "Breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over." —Jerry Seinfeld
  9. "I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom." —Bob Hope
  10. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are." —Will Ferrell
  11. "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." —Rita Rudner
  12. "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes." —Jack Handey
  13. "There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it." ―Mindy Kaling
  14. "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." —Rodney Dangerfield
  15. "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak." — Alan Dundes
  16. "I can't be out of money, I still have checks left." ― George Clark
  17.  "When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. " — George Burns
  18. "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." —George W. Bush
  19. "When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half." ― Gracie Allen
  20. "I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." —Les Dawson

More Funny Sentences From Famous People

If you read these funny sentences, you're going to start laughing out loud. The words are too hilarious to keep a straight face while reading. Enjoy some more funny sentences below:

  1. "I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later." — Mitch Hedberg
  2. "I never forget a face—but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception." —Groucho Marx
  3. "Someone asked me if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: 'How to Build a Boat.'" —Steven Wright
  4. A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists." — Don Marquis
  5. "My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana." —Betty White
  6. "In court, you're putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty." —Norm Crosby
  7. "Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve." —David Letterman
  8. You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police." —Joan Rivers
  9. "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia." — Charles Shulz
  10.  "Here's all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid." —George Carlin
  11. "Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop." — Gertrude Stein
  12. "I never feel more alone than when I'm trying to put sunscreen on my back." —Jimmy Kimmel
  13. "Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts." —Lt. Frank Drebin
About the author

January Nelson is a writer, editor, and dreamer. She writes about astrology, games, love, relationships, and entertainment. January graduated with an English and Literature degree from Columbia University.

Read more articles from January on Thought Catalog. Learn more about Thought Catalog and our writers on our about page.